Chapter OneFriday, 6 March 1936
March 6 - Friday - Saw first robin today - two in fact - pains in chest all morning but okay tonite - Went swimming - mailed verse to liberty amateur contest at Miss Flo's suggestion - Now have 4 manuscripts in the mail not counting plays & poems in St. Louis contest - Returned case of empty bottles - collected $1.00 - felt rather stupid all day but will write tomorrow -
Saturday, 7 March - Sunday, 8 March 1936
March 7 - Sat. - Nice day - went swimming in a.m. - Wrote story "Cut Out" - pretty cheap but well-done - feel rather guilty writing such stuff - so far from what I really want to do - I am writing this Sunday morning - pinkish green buds all over the elm outside my window - first buds I have seen -
Monday, 9 March 1936
March 9 - Monday. A pleasant day - drove about city - Saw H.B. and was inspired to write a poem by certain lines in her face - went swimming - Felt fine all day - Visited Jewel Box with H.B. & M.F. Pansies blooming outdoors in park - Wish I could spend a few days in the country - Mr. Kanter dead - Mr. Wells dying - Mr. Kramer afraid of dying - Me? Damned glad to be alive!
Tuesday, 10 March 1936
March 10 - Tuesday - Life is various - Today I would like to leave off the record - I was sick tonight - attack of nervous heart in short story class - got worked up over Prof. reading my story aloud - Why I don't know - I must learn to control my nerves - didn't last long - I took a pill - still it is always very depressing - Makes you feel cut off from the world - And just at a time when I am so eager to be a part - still - things like this prove one's spirit - ignore it I say - go on as if nothing happened - the only way - besides I'm no longer a coward about it - I was actually not afraid - just embarrassed because I felt my nervous agitation was so obvious - class criticized my story very harshly - Only one girl liked it and she didn't get the point - Prof. Webster seemed pleased with it however and told me to write more soon - But I was disappointed in story and feel discouraged about my whole prospect as a writer - what the hell - I'd better sleep it off like poor Old Sam -
Wednesday, 11 March 1936
March 11 - Weds. Evening closes down and I turn to my journal for lack of anything else to do. Felt remarkably well today - Even swam my usual 15 lengths - But how stupid! Looked thru some old stories and made half hearted effort to straighten out my desk. That's all - Feel as tho my writing is all a lot of trash - except the one story "Gift of an Apple -" Maybe it will turn out to be the same when "Story" sends it back - How I fool myself about my writing! In some way - if not all - I am a perfect idiot! But why worry about that? As Dear says - All passes! Elm blossom all over tree in back yard - foamy red and white blossoms ruddy looking - a pussy willow blooming in our back yard - Moons do not have corners except in early evening - new moons do not rise - Gosh! What a lot of nature-faking I have done in my stories - I am anxious to learn all I can about nature this spring.
Later - Just finished re-writing "This Spring" - Had thought it was no good but reread it this evening and liked it. Rewrote it stream-of-consciousness style - seemed very sucessfull - But tomorrow? Oh well. Tired out but happy. Yes. happy. drank four teaspoons sodium bromide. Now I will rest from my labours and go downstairs.
Later I have read it over again. It seems very lovely. It seems my best. I have taken a sleeping pill as I was feeling terribly nervous. Now better. A cool and beautiful night. Wind. Or is it rain? I will turn out the light and see.
Friday, 13 March 1936
Friday - a.m. Bright day rather cool - preparations for Mother's D.A.R. Tea - Not feeling so well but nothing definitely wrong - Still working on "This Spring" - Gets better - almost final draft - Still no mail - suspense - Ah! Wednesday - Poetry announcements - will be a terrible strain or disappointment - Got "A" on Mansfield paper last night - Parks is a pretty good guy - It didn't deserve such a good grade - Swimming meet this p.m. - Will go over - car at home - May take a drive - now lunch.
Saturday, 14 March 1936
Saturday Night Woke up just now with very strange feeling - stomach I guess - went down and took Epsom Salts - now better - Last night letter from Harriett Monroe accepting Poem "This Hour" and asking to see others - Felt quite elated. But did not cure the "blues" - pretty awful all day - funny - must snap out of it - Rain tonight - Felt so much better walking home in rain - No sense in going on like this - Must forget it that's all - Read new poem by Josephine Johnson in Atlantic - disappointed in it - struck a sour note - about scummy pools, dung, Etc - moon slightly more than half tonite - now a clear sky and wind - oak leaves almost gone - been going gradually last few weeks - wind like torrents of black water - trite. The air is delicious tonight. C'est Tout!
Thursday, 19 March 1936
Thursday Morn - March 19 - Let us not speak of it. This agony. Forget it. Find strength somehow to go on. Work to be done. Feel sometimes as though I could relinquish this life very easily. Last night I saw The Little Theater Play Ode To Liberty. Very amusing. Between acts stood at an open window and saw the revolving electric cross over a Union Ave. church. Same one when I first became ill - that Sat. night last march (an anniversary?) when I walked miles and miles with my heart nearly jumping out of my chest - That cross helped me that night. The cross and the money I gave the street beggar. And finally those new star-shaped leaves. A strange night. But I've had many since then.
Thursday Night Oh my, what blissful exhaustion! I haven't felt quite like this since that night in Cologne or Amsterdam - when the crowds on the street were like cool snow to the cinder of my individual "woe". Over seven years ago. A state in which the damnedest seems to have happened and you can't be any more completely damned - and the tired brain and body has simply got to rest for a while. I am positively limp in every muscle. Feel deliciously warm and fuzzy - Tomorrow? There is no tomorrow! Ah, but there is! And I'll have to face it somehow - And I shall. Peace. Forever peace. No more fighting. I give up the struggle - I take what comes. I will try to be like a dumb cow in my patience. So help me God.
This afternoon Am. Prefaces ret'd "bottle of Brass" with letter saying story was "told" rather than "lived". I quite agree - in part. Also letter from John Rood, long and very amusing - saying try to publish "27 Wagons" in August issue. "Gift Of An Apple" gone to Amer. Pref. Hope it will stick. Goodnight -
Friday, 20 March 1936
Friday Morning - Better - much better - a bright cool windy day - slept soundly - feel like a patient old cow - will finish dressing now and later try to finish my play -
Sunday, 22 March 1936
Sunday A swell day - Went to Holy Communion at St. Michael's Church at Christ Church Cathedral - enjoyed service at the latter - Saw Dick Sharp on service car going down. In afternoon too[k] Marian Collins out for ride. We went to Curtis Wright airport. Charming place. Windy and wide. Had soda in restaurant there. Then home to play cards and long walk. Felt perfectly well all evening. Encouraging - Marian is a rather lovely girl. Sweet and natural with a fund of homely wisdom. Some of that light Irish spirit that I admire so much - Anna Jean!
Tuesday, 24 March 1936
Tuesday - Another piece of good luck yesterday - While I was out swimming lady from Wed. Club called up and told Mother I had been awarded the $25. prize for "Sonnets For The Spring." Will get it at meeting tomorrow. Lovely bright day - Didn't sleep last night - the excitement and spring onions I suppose - but felt well all today - took long walk with Gypsy and finished re-writing my "One Act" - "Moony's Kid Don't Cry" which I will submit to Prof. Webster tomorrow - A little too windy I'm afraid - but I think it would be effective on the stage - Wish I could have a play produced. - Dear Grand and Grandfather sent me $5.00 for a birthday present - Bless them both! I wish I could see them this spring!
Sunday, 29 March 1936
Sunday What a week is behind me! Wednesday received poetry prize. Not as gruelling as I expected. In fact it couldn't have been made any easier for me. No stage. No speech. Just a room full of tired, elegant old ladies, a couple of priests and some very young poets. Lovely sunny place. Nevertheless palpitations for about five minutes. Afterwards tea and talk - nervous but felt okay - A Mrs. Otis Turner talked to me a long time and wants to get me into Writers' Guild. Says Clark Mills belongs. Probably won't be invited and am not sure I would want to belong. I'm hardly well enough for that sort of thing. Or am I? Feel horrible today. Sick yesterday at dentists. Extremely nervous. Didn't sleep hardly at all last night. Horrible now, but will try to pull myself together. Ghastly dinner. Snapped at everyone, even the old man, but then he was particularly awful about the Kramers where I spent last night. Can I go on? Of course - and you will!
Tuesday, 31 March 1936
Tuesday. I've woke up feeling sick the last two mornings - Yesterday completed and mailed (to Story) my short story "Sand" - feel rather pleased with it - about old Mr. & Mrs. Kramer - Don't know why I persist in sending things to Story - They probably quit reading them long ago - Sent letter to Harriet Monroe thanking for accept of "My Love Was Light" and enclosed 3.00 for subscription. Hurt to put out that much money but will be worth it. My last issue of "Story" arrived. That magazine has been deteriorating lately - I believe Foley and Burnett are becoming regular Babbitts - prosperity doesn't agree with literary folk - Dreamed I saw Hauptmann being electrocuted last night - he was extraordinarily calm about it - The real execution is tonight - a horrible thing - Tonight also my short story class - Will probably hear my play read.
Sunday, 5 April 1936
Sunday. Been feeling fine since Tuesday night. Seeing that poor Mrs Gardner such a wreck sort of pulled me together nervously - Forgot about my own misery feeling sorry for her - Went to picture show twice since then and felt no tension -
This afternoon however began to get the jitters again - so I accepted Miss Flo's invitation to come over for the night - Done no work lately. Yesterday drank cup of coffee but could not write anything decent - Started a crazy something about Russian peasants - wanted to write a pastoral story - but of course that is absurd because I know nothing about country life, farming, Etc. Feel hungry for that sort of thing - The quietness of earth -
Read new poems by Clark Mills in Voices, "Variations" - not so hot - also short poem by J. Johnson called "Trapped" - (1935) not very impressive as a poem but implications -
Tuesday, 7 April 1936
Tuesday a.m. - If I could make of my spirit a golden arc to span this trouble!
Another bright windy morning rather cold - The branches are all lacy with young leaves - There are shimmering clouds of dust in the air - blackbirds are creaking - I am hungry for breakfast - I want to write something really fine this week - something strong and undefeated "The golden arch"? - Perhaps -
Wednesday, 15 April 1936
Wednes. (April 15) Went over to go swimming and found pool was closed - perhaps for the season. How ghastly! I can't get along without swimming - at least I don't see how I could as it is my only physical "release". It's a horrible hot afternoon and I have that horrible oppressed feeling that hot weather gives me. This house frightens me again. I feel trapped - shut in. The radio is on - that awful ball-game - it will be going every afternoon now and hearing it makes me sick - I'm too tired to write - Can do nothing - I am disgusted with the story I wrote Saturday - "The Swan" - It seems idiotic to me now - "Sand" was not much better. I wish I could write something decent - strong - but everything about me is weak - and silly - Terrible to feel like this - I have been so well the past two weeks - like a different person - now I guess it's all starting again. Well, I must learn to take things on the chin because nothing will be easy for me - nothing ever has been easy but I am always trying to make things easy, trying to dogde everything hard or disagreeable and the result is that I've just gotten deeper and deeper into this situation - this rather hopeless situation - I hardly dare to say hopeless but in my heart I know very well that it is - I would like to get away somewhere - Thank God I've got that money in the bank - Maybe I'll visit that little girl poet but her latest letter sounded a little trite and affectatious - "little spear points of green" - It might be impossible - Oh, God I'm so miserable & lonely and so afraid of people! This reminds me of how I used to feel that first spring at College - afraid to go out on the street!
Wednesday, 29 April 1936
Wednes - April 29
There is a flaming barrier in front of me - what shall I do? Shall I quiver and quake on this side of it - not daring to make the leap? Or shall I charge straight ahead - accept the challenge - dash through the flames? Maybe they will burn. It is likewise possible that at my very approach, if I approach them bravely, they'll dwindle to ashes. And even if they burn high and hurt me, I may be able to leap high enough to get clear over - and into the sky!
I must remember that my ancestors fought the Indians! No, I must remember that I am a man - when all is said and done - and not a snivelling baby.
Later I have just finished writing "Nirvana" which seemed very beautiful and fine to me during the writing. I have not yet read it over. Perhaps I had better not. Keep this good, satisfied feeling at least until tomorrow. If it is still as good, or nearly as good, as I think it is I will make one more assault on "Story" the invincible Fortress of Foley and Burnett -
Lovely music comes up from the radio - a symphony. Night insects are flying in my open window attracted by the light. The W.U. machine shop hums softly across the car-tracks behind the block. I see people moving in lighted windows. The air is very still and warm.
Friday, 8 May 1936
May 8 - It is a lovely fresh May morning - but I am tortured by thoughts. The last 3 days a steady crescendo - my head aches - I pound the bed with my fists and make horrible faces - Such a helpless, frustrated feeling - and all so silly! Like being scared of my own shadow and that's what it is - I must somehow overcome this idea of defeat - overcome it permanently - completely - or it will drive me mad -
This week-end I am going to see M.L.L. at her country place. Maybe that will help - Something must - If only I could realize I am not 2 persons. I am only one. There is no sense in this division. An enemy inside myself! How absurd!