BOOK DETAILS

My Word That's Absurd!

My Word That's Absurd!

by Jan M. Martin

ASIN: B01GEOYE7K

Publisher CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform

Published in Literature & Fiction/Humor, Humor & Entertainment, Children & Teens (Young Adult)

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Book Description

"Full of humor and wit."--BookNook Review, Beehive Newspaper. "This is a collection of little gems."—Bill B, Amazon. "If you need a book that will help you smile any time you pick it up, get this one!"—Rec, Amazon.

Martin’s quirky sense of humor takes you on a lighthearted tour of life's little funnies--from Black Friday to Mother's Day--in this humor collection. Included is her award-winning children’s story, “Miss Mousie and Mrs. McGreggor’s Closet.” "Jan has a way of making everyday occurrences funny!"—Janica, Amazon.

Sample Chapter

$2.99 Rated G Humor

Children/Middle Grades/Adults

                                                                                   Little Red and the Wolf

            Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a little girl named Little Red.

            She had a grandmother who couldn’t tell the difference between a wolf and her granddaughter.

            That is odd, because Little Red couldn’t tell the difference between a wolf and her grandmother.

            All of this could lead to a sad ending . . .

            . . . Except for the handsome woodcutter. He could tell a wolf from an old woman, and he could certainly tell Little Red from her grandmother.

            So our story has a happy ending. The woodcutter dispatched the wolf without argument and returned to see if Little Red was okay. She was okay. Better than okay.

           Little Red said goodbye to her grandmother, and the woodcutter offered to walk her home through the woods—all of which left Little Red unable to tell the difference between a handsome woodcutter and a wolf.                                        

 

        POSTED ON A UTILITY POLE:  DO NOT POST SIGNS ON UTILITY POLES  

       PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE

 

          It's  been 30 or so years, but the article in The Arizona Daily Star (Tucson, AZ) made such an impression that I still recall reading it. I'm sure it made a . . . well . . . imprint on the man involved, too. 

        It seems that an intoxicated man, for reasons unknown, decided to shed his clothing and run naked through the desert hugging saguaro cacti. That's the tall cactus with the up-reaching arms, covered with spines. Big ones. Small ones. Middle-sized ones. Hooked, impossible-to-remove spines.

      The desert in which the poor man chose to frolic was near a nunnery in Tucson, AZ. When the Holy Sisters heard a fracas outside, they went out and discovered the man covered with spines from head to toe. 

        The man was taken to a hospital, where some rather . . . uh . . . delicate cactus spine removal began. The man lived, but I'll bet he wished he hadn't.

 

                                                                       Black Friday

 

                                                   May be sung to the tune of “Jingle Bells.”

 

                                                           Jingle Bells! Watch those sales,

                                                           Selfishness and greed.

                                                           Knock those other shoppers down.

                                                           Don’t decrease your speed!

                                                                            Oh! 

                                                           Grab that toy, for girl or boy!

                                                           Keep your charge card oiled—

                                                           If they don’t get ALL they want,

                                                           Christmas will be spoiled!

 

                                                           If you but believe, Santa will be there.

                                                           There’s no greater fear

                                                           Than ‘Santa won’t deliv-er.’

                                                           So ask for all you want.

                                                           For good luck shed a tear.

                                                           Wish upon the Christmas star,      

                                                           By morning, it is HERE!

 

                                                           Jingle Bells! Watch those sales,

                                                           Selfishness and greed.

                                                           Knock those other shoppers down.

                                                           Don’t decrease your speed!

                                                                            Oh! 

                                                           Grab that toy, for girl or boy!

                                                           Keep your charge card oiled—

                                                           If they don’t get ALL they want

                                                           Christmas will be spoiled!

 

                                                           Don’t remember Him, whose Birthday is so Regal.

                                                           Don’t sing or speak of Him—these days it’s illegal.

                                                           Santa is more sure, he’s the very one

                                                           Who brings you everything you want!

                                                           Besides that, he’s more fun!

 

                                                           Jingle Bells! Watch those sales,

                                                           Selfishness and greed.

                                                           Knock those other shoppers down.

                                                           Don’t decrease your speed!

                                                                             Oh! 

                                                           Grab that toy, for girl or boy!

                                                           Keep your charge card oiled—

                                                           If they don’t get ALL they want,

                                                           Christmas will be spoiled!

 

           GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR

         One Sabbath day, the Apostle Paul preached so long that his sermon stretched until midnight. One poor worshiper fell asleep and tumbled out of a third story window. After reviving the man, Paul continued his sermon until daybreak. (Acts 20:7-11)

         Verse 16 in the same chapter makes a lot of sense after that. It proclaims that Paul "hasted, if it were possible for him."

        You think Paul was slow? After an initial interview, Felex, a Roman Governer who was trying Paul for sedition, promised to get back to Paul when it was convenient. Two years later, Paul was still waiting in prison. (Acts 24:25-27)

 

 

Chapters include:

A FEW TALL TALES includes the 1st prize-winning children's story, "Miss Mousie and Mrs. McGreggor's Closet" and "The Dentist Who Makes Pickles."

EVERYONE HATES POETRY includes several national prize-winning slapstick poems, along with the doggerel that won $1600.

RANDOM SHORTS includes short little unrelated funnies and real-life sight gags.

FOOD TRICKS includes tricks played on people using food themes, and an original recipe placed here for revenge on a woman who dissed it.

BUSTED where shady situations go awry.

RANDOM LONGS longer absurdities. Includes a "G" rated teen/adult adventure story, "Treasure at Noon Creek," based on a real buried treasure legend.

SPORTS ANTICS confessions of a sports klutz.

SECRETS OF A SECRET SHOPPER confessions of a secret shopper where readers get to help guess the outcomes of shops-gone-wrong.

GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR includes comical quotes from the Bible and other true absurd stories.

DO NOT HATE CHRISTMAS absurdly true stories about Christmas plus the inspirational story of "A Real Christmas Tree" that gave its life to save others.

 

Excerpted from "My Word That's Absurd!" by Jan M. Martin. Copyright © 2016 by Jan M. Martin. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Excerpts are provided solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
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Author Profile

Jan M. Martin

Jan M. Martin

Jan has been writing since age 11 when she wrote 4-H reports for her local newspaper. She has won several national contests with her comedic poems about Eskimo Pies, fishing, weight loss, and other comedy. She is the author of two clean and wholesome romantic mystery novels, HEIR OF DECEIT and IMPRESSIONS OF INNOCENCE, and a short non-fiction humor book, MY WORD THAT’S ABSURD.

View full Profile of Jan M. Martin

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