My Weird School Daze #5: Officer Spence Makes No Sense!

My Weird School Daze #5: Officer Spence Makes No Sense!

by Dan Gutman

ISBN: 9780061554094

Publisher HarperCollins

Published in Children's Books/Humor, Children's Books/Science, Nature & How It Works

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Sample Chapter

Chapter One

The Mystery of the Missing PB&J

My name is A.J. and I hate school.

I was in the vomitorium eating lunch with the guys. Our lunch lady, Ms. LaGrange, was walking around saying hello to everybody.

"Bon appétit!" Ms. LaGrange said when she got to our table.

Ms. LaGrange is from France, so she's always saying weird stuff like "Bon appétit." I know that "appetite" means "being hungry" and "bon" means "bone." So when French people get hungry, I guess they eat bones.

French people are weird.

"I invented a new food!" Ms. LaGrange told us. "Would you like to try it?"

I never try new foods. That's the first rule of being a kid. New foods are yucky. We all looked in the bowl Ms. LaGrange was holding.

"What is it?" asked Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food.

"Take a guess," said Ms. LaGrange.

"Is it noodles?" asked Michael, who never ties his shoes.

"Not exactly," said Ms. LaGrange.

"Is it pasta?" asked Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.

"Nope," said Ms. LaGrange. "It's a combination of noodles and pasta."

"What's it called?" I asked.

"Poodlenasta!" said Ms. LaGrange.

Poodlenasta? Who names a food poodlenasta? Ms. LaGrange is strange.

Ryan tried some poodlenasta, but the rest of us said it looked gross. Neil opened his bag of Crispy Chips. Michael took out a bag of Crunchy Cheezy Crackos. My mom packed me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I love peanut butter. And I love jelly. So peanut butter and jelly together is the perfect combination. The guy who invented the PB&J sandwich was a genius. He should get the No Bell Prize. That's a prize they give out to people who don't have bells.

This annoying girl named Andrea Young with curly brown hair was at the next table. She was sitting with her crybaby friend Emily. Andrea thinks she is so smart because she's a member of P.A.C. That's the Principal Advisory Committee—a group of nerds who get to boss around the principal. Andrea was talking really loud to make sure we all heard her.

"Did you know that girls live longer than boys?" Andrea said.

"Really?" asked Emily. "I didn't know that."

"Yes, it's true," said Andrea. "I read it in my encyclopedia."

Andrea reads the encyclopedia for fun in her spare time. What is her problem? I slapped my head.

"Girls do not live longer than boys," I told her.

"Do too."

"Do not."

We went back and forth like that for a while.

"Boys would live longer if they ate healthy foods," said Andrea. "You shouldn't eat chips. They have a lot of fat in them."

"So does your face," I said.

"Oh, snap!" said Ryan.

I hate Andrea. Why can't a ton of chips fall on her head?

"So what are you eating?" Michael asked Andrea. "Nuts and berries and veggies?"

"My mom packed me some yummy tofu," Andrea told us.

"Toe food?!" we all yelled.

I'd rather die young than eat food made from toes.

Andrea held up her fork with a piece of that toe food stuff on it. It was white. Ugh, disgusting! It looked like a big toe. I thought I was gonna throw up.

"Not 'toe food,' dumbheads!" Andrea said. "It's tofu!"

It sounded a lot like "toe food" to me.

That's when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. I opened my lunch box.

Well, that's not the amazing part, because I open my lunch box every day. The amazing part was that when I opened my lunch box, there was juice and a bag of chips in there, but nothing else!

My peanut butter and jelly sandwich was . . . missing!

Excerpted from "My Weird School Daze #5: Officer Spence Makes No Sense!" by Dan Gutman. Copyright © 0 by Dan Gutman. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Excerpts are provided solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
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Author Profile

Dan Gutman

Dan Gutman

Dan Gutman was born in a log cabin in Illinois, and used to write by candlelight with a piece of chalk on a shovel. Wait a minute. That was Abraham Lincoln.Actually, Dan grew up in New Jersey. And, for some reason, he still lives there.
Like a lot of boys, Dan didn't like reading, but loved sports. So naturally, he grew up to write sports books for reluctant readers.
In 1994, Dan cooked up a novel about a boy who finds the most valuable baseball card in the world, and discovers he has the power to travel through time using a baseball card like a time machine. The result was Honus & Me. Rejected by ten publishers over two years, it was finally published in 1997 by HarperCollins.
Honus was nominated for eleven state book awards, made into a play, a TV movie, and established Dan Gutman as an emerging name in middle grade fiction. Most importantly, it allowed Dan to avoid getting a real job.
The success of Honus jumpstarted a ten book series--Jackie & Me, Babe & Me, Shoeless Joe & Me, Mickey & Me, Abner & Me, Satch & Me, Jim & Me, Ray & Me, and Roberto & Me. Dan’s goal is to keep writing baseball card adventures until HarperCollins rips the laptop out of his cold, dead hands.
In his insatiable quest for world domination, Dan turned toward younger kids with the My Weird School series. Aimed at beginning readers, MWS describes a school in which the kids are normal but the teachers are all insane. Each book focuses on a different adult--Miss Daisy Is Crazy!, Mr. Klutz Is Nuts!, Mrs. Cooney Is Loony!, Miss Lazar Is Bizarre!, Ms. Todd Is Odd!, Mr. Macky is Wacky!, Ms. Coco Is Loco!, Mr. Louie is Screwy!,and Mr. Hynde is Out of His Mind! (The titles rhyme, you see.)
There are now 30 My Weird School and My Weird School Daze titles. The books have sold three million copies, (and those are just the ones Dan bought himself trying to get on the bestseller list). My Weird School has been cracking up kids all over the country, and there's no doubt that it is the best early reader series in the history of the world.
When he’s not writing books, Dan writes self-glorifying profiles. He lives with his wife, Nina, and their kids, Sam and Emma.

View full Profile of Dan Gutman

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