These Animals Are Killing Me

These Animals Are Killing Me

by Katrina Morgan


Publisher BookBaby

Published in Biographies & Memoirs/Memoirs, Humor & Entertainment, Biographies & Memoirs, Nonfiction

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Book Description

These ridiculous true-life stories will be familiar to most busy adults, juggling over-packed schedules and multi-tasking to the point of disaster.

Starting with the first day of school, the book chronicles a year of embarrassing doctor visits, emergency trips to the veterinarian, Holiday chaos, disastrous family vacations and the ridiculous things we do to keep ourselves from aging. The stories are laugh out loud funny, and the life lessons poignant. Each chapter ends on a high note, and we are reminded of what is good, what is right.

Sample Chapter

November 11th: A Harrowing Experience

I often have extra tasks and calendared items. There just seem to always be extra chores--things beyond the making of beds, feeding of animals, making of breakfast, packing school lunches, and doing laundry. Today was no exception.

I yelled out the normal reminders: “Brush your teeth! Comb your hair! Wear deodorant!” I also banged on my daughter’s door, something else I have to do every morning. Despite being in college, she seemed unable to get out the door on time. I never dared enter her room. To do so was to put myself in harm’s way; she flailed and kicked at anyone who got too near her bed.

I needed to work in extra time to help our youngest child finish some papers for school. He’d fallen asleep during our homework session the night before. His little head had slumped to his chest, one hand still loosely holding his pencil. He was fighting allergies again, and the four prescriptions had simply been too much. I’d had no choice but to put him to bed early, leaving me to correct spelling and math as I ran by the breakfast table, doing a myriad of morning chores.

All three children, the dog and I were either scurrying or shuffling every which direction, and time was of the essence. The buses were going to arrive soon and there were many last minute things to do. The middle-schooler needed help finding his wallet. The damn thing seemed to mysteriously walk out of his jeans pocket every afternoon after school. I fished it out of the hamper and tossed to him as his bus driver honked his insistence at the end of the driveway. A half hour later, the youngest churned his way to the bus; his jacket buttoned wrong and book bag flapping. I waved goodbye and blew kisses, even though I knew he was embarrassed by such behavior. I nearly collided with my daughter, who was flying out the door right behind him. I shouted out warnings to her about driving safely and called out, “Love you!” to empty space.

Whew. We made it through another morning…almost.

I was moving through things quickly because our cat, Fat Chance, was scheduled for his annual veterinarian appointment in less than thirty minutes. A piece of cake for a stay-at-home mom used to juggling and shifting, right? Wrong. I skimmed through the last of my emails and began to scout around for the cat. Everything seemed to be going along fine up until then--chaotic, but fine. I can only assume Fat Chance read the appointment calendar, because I finally found him under my bed, not a normal hide-out for him.

Retrieving a full-sized cat out from under a queen-sized bed is no easy feat. Regardless of which side I chose, the cat simply maneuvered an inch or two out of my reach until I finally gave up and climbed under there with him. Not appreciating the invasion, he frowned and complained about the crowded conditions by hissing in my face. No matter how long you’ve owned a cat, lavished them with love, and stroked their ego, a direct hiss in the face is to be taken very seriously. Even more serious when trapped together in close quarters. I scooted out quickly. I cajoled, I begged, I offered treats, all to no avail.

“Enough!” I finally yelled, bared my own teeth and informed him, in no uncertain terms, he was vacating the damn bed cave! With time ticking, we were down to twenty minutes. I crawled back under, grabbed Chance around the belly, and began to drag him and me backwards toward freedom. I don’t know how he managed it, not having front claws and all, but his feet were completely and fully embedded in the carpet. He also seemed to have gained seventy or eighty pounds.

Running down the stairs, I juggled the cat and shot worried glances at the clock. Despite the outside temperatures stubbornly holding at forty-five degrees, I didn’t bother with a jacket. I was late and still had to find the baggie containing Chance’s fecal stool sample. I’m not sure which was worse: me agreeing to recover said sample from the litter box or the doctor’s office needing to smash it on a slide and look for…something. It was disgusting no matter the angle of consideration.

I jammed the two of us into the front seat and opted to take a back road and avoid stop signs and traffic, a.k.a. a short cut. Chance, completely terrified of the car, chose to forgive me for dragging him out from under the bed, and was instead buried in my lap. Unfortunately, my high speed trip down curvy and bumpy roads was more than Chance could take. He threw up his salmon-flavored breakfast on my left leg. Perhaps I hadn’t been forgiven after all. Trying to drive, hold an unhappy cat, locate napkins and roll down my window, all while gagging, didn’t make for very safe driving techniques. I was just happy my daughter wasn’t there to see, or all my warnings about safe driving would be for naught. We skidded into the parking lot, late but in one piece……….

(What happens next? It gets worse, I assure you...)


Excerpted from "These Animals Are Killing Me" by Katrina Morgan. Copyright © 2016 by Katrina Morgan. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Excerpts are provided solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
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Author Profile

Katrina Morgan

Katrina Morgan

Finding innovative ways to entertain an adult audience is something Katrina has done for decades. With a background as a corporate trainer, and years organizing civic events and fundraisers, she understand the importance of not only capturing an audience's attention using humor, but also maintaining their interest with stories of flawed characters and a conversational tone. She is currently working on three additional books.

View full Profile of Katrina Morgan

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