Do you work with a mean girl? A woman's field guide to the new frontier of professional development - working with other women.
Women-to-women relationships in the workplace are - complicated. When they're good, they're great. But when they're bad, they can ruin your day, your week - even your year.
Packed with proven advice from two of today's leading experts in workplace relationships, this one-of-a-kind guide gives women the tools they need to navigate difficult situations unique to women-to-women relationships - whether with a boss, a colleague, a client, or an employee.
Have you dealt with a woman in the workplace who:
"Accidentally" excludes you from important meetings?Seems intent on taking you down professionally?Gossips about you with other coworkers?Makes you look bad by missing deadlines?Forms a "pack" of mean girls to make your life miserable?
Mean Girls at Work isn't just about surviving difficult situations. It's about transforming a toxic relationship into one that benefits and supports both of you.
This book is also for women who engage in mean behavior - but don't know it. After all, who hasn't gossiped about a female coworker? Who hasn't rolled her eyes in the presence of a woman she doesn't like? Who hasn't scanned another woman head to toe - which is just a nonverbal way of saying, "You've just been judged?" The authors provide invaluable advice to the more subtle ways of being mean - even if they're not intended.
With a workforce composed of a higher percentage of women than ever, workplace dynamics have changed. Crowley and Elster cover every conceivable scenario, providing critical advice on how to rise above the fray and move forward professionally.
Mean Girls at Work is your map to dodging the mines and moving forward in today¿s transformed workplace.
The Different Faces of Mean
What Is a Mean Girl?
When you think of a mean girl at work, what comes to mind? Do images of
Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada pop into your head?
Do you envision Cruella de Vil of 101 Dalmatians or the Wicked
Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz? Do you picture a woman who
is unkind, spiteful, vicious, unfriendly, cold, aggressive,
manipulative, nasty, vengeful, and power- hungry?
The mean girls (and women) we read about, see portrayed on the screen,
and sometimes encounter at work usually share certain characteristics:
They are the workplace bullies.
They pick on women who are weaker than they are.
They say cruel things that make other women cry.
They freeze other women out.
They seem determined to take other women down.
They're jealous of anyone else's success.
These are some of the typical characteristics that emerge when women
describe truly unkind women at work. They depict mean girls in the
extreme. "Vicious," "cruel," and "vengeful"—such behaviors are
easy to recognize and associate with the mean girl profile. A woman who
treats her colleagues in such obviously uncaring ways is clearly mean.
But consider the more subtle kinds of mean behavior that one woman can
show toward another, the less obvious ways in which one woman might
hurt, insult, or otherwise injure her workplace colleagues:
Have you ever rolled your eyes when a woman you didn't like
Have you ever given or received an intimidating up-and-down scan
that said, "I'm judging you"?
Have you ever gossiped about someone who rubbed you the wrong
Who hasn't watched one woman open her mouth and utter the
universally recognizable "agh" sigh of disgust aimed at another woman in
These kinds of mean gestures are harder to detect, yet they are
frequently made by women in the workplace. And while you may be a
generally kind and loving person, we bet there are certain women you've
encountered who bring out your meaner side.
Just as there's a little bad in every boy, there's a little mean in
every girl. "Mean" is the inherently female way of showing
displeasure, of staking out our territory and telling another woman to
Make no mistake: we are huge fans of women. We are women
ourselves, and we're invested in the notion that women can and should be
full players at work and in the world. We're also aware that
woman-to-woman relationships are naturally intense. The biological
imperative that compels us to "tend and befriend" can generate amazing
friendships and incredibly productive work teams in any setting.
But women are complicated. While most of us want to be kind and
nurturing, we struggle with our darker side—feelings of jealousy,
envy, and competition. While men tend to compete in an overt
manner—jockeying for position and fighting to be crowned
"winners"—women often compete more covertly and behind the scenes.
This covert competition and indirect aggression is at the heart of mean
behavior among women at work.
Over the course of this book, we are going to give you strategies for
handling a wide array of situations with women at work. In each case,
one or more of the women involved could be labeled "mean." We're going
to teach you our method for staying professional no matter how
personally another woman attacks you or hurts your feelings.
To begin our journey, let's look at the seven categories of mean that
we'll be addressing in this book. Each category will have its own
chapter, in which we'll describe specific situations that you may face
involving another woman at work, along with field-tested tactics for
keeping the relationship professional no matter what happens. Here we
Meanest of the mean. These are the women who feel that they must
be mean in order to survive. They view other women as objects to be won
over, manipulated, or eliminated. They lack compassion, and they are
unable to see anybody else's point of view. An example is the Ice
Princess who treats everyone around her with disdain.
Very mean. These women are tough on the outside and insecure on
the inside. They do and say mean things whenever they encounter a woman
who threatens them. They are quick to feel jealous, envious, and
competitive with another woman. An example is the vicious gossip who
spreads rumors to make another woman (whom she's jealous of) look bad.
Passively mean. This category of mean girls includes any woman
who acts nice, but is covertly competitive. Because she fears
confrontation, her mean comes out indirectly—through exclusion,
omission, and avoidance. An example is the coworker who "accidentally"
excludes you from a meeting where your attendance matters.
Doesn't mean to be mean. These are the women who are extremely
self- absorbed. Their unconscious, inconsiderate behavior strikes other
women as mean, but they don't see it. They are oblivious to the impact
of their actions. An example is the coworker who is chronically late,
leaving you in the lurch.
Doesn't know she's mean. These mean girls behave in ways that
they think improve a situation, but that actually alienate the
women around them. They are usually quite self-righteous and
controlling. An example is a coworker who bosses you around because she
thinks you need the benefit of her knowledge.
Brings out your mean. Certain women at work may get on your
nerves. They have poor interpersonal boundaries and demand a lot of
attention. Their neediness brings out your mean. You find
yourself lashing out, gossiping about the person, avoiding her, or
making faces when she's speaking. An example is the insecure coworker
who asks too many questions, interrupting your workflow and depleting
you of your energy.
Group mean. Sometimes mean girls form packs. There's usually a
leader who enlists other women to taunt, tease, shut out, or otherwise
attack an unsuspecting female employee. An example is a workplace clique
that whispers when you walk by; you feel alienated and humiliated by
Our "Don't Go There" Process
For every mean girl situation we describe, we're going to show you how
to manage the other woman's behavior by using our five-step "Don't Go
Women are processors. Most women sort out their experiences by
hashing them out with other women. When something good or bad happens to
us, we talk about it. For example, if a woman is bullied by a certain
type of mean girl, she may feel attacked. She then seeks out friends,
coworkers, family members, or mentors to hear her story, confirm how
she's feeling, and offer different ideas for addressing the situation.
When a woman feels attacked, she automatically goes through a three-step
1. She finds an ally and reports (with emotion) what the attacking
Example: "You've got to hear what she just did to me."
2. She follows the report with how she's feeling.
Example: "I'm so mad I could spit. She humiliated me in front of
everyone. How could she do that?"
3. She then describes how she'd like to counterattack
Example: "I'm never talking to her again," or, "The next time she
asks for help, she's out of luck."
If the attacked woman acts on her impulse to counterattack, she takes
that workplace relationship out of the prof(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Mean Girls at Work: How to Stay Professional When Things Get Personal" by Katherine Crowley. Copyright © 2013 by Katherine Crowley. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Excerpts are provided solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.