Chapter OneBachelor cooking is a matter of attitude. If you think of it as setting fire to things and making a mess, it's fun. It's not so much fun if you think of it as dinner. Fortunately, baloney, cheeseburgers, beer, and potato-chip dip provide all the daily nutrients bachelors are known to require. I mean, I hope they do. I have several specialties. Instant coffee is one. Simple omelettes are another. My recipe: Add contents of refrigerator to two eggs and cook until everything stops wiggling. A bachelor friend of mine has an interesting variation. Mix last night's Chinese take-out food with your scrambled eggs. (Remove fortune from cookie first.) He calls it Egg Foo Breakfast. I also make a delicious stew. I put meat, beef bouillon, potatoes, celery, carrots, onions, and a splash of red wine into a large pot. When it begins to simmer I go watch football games until all the ingredients boil down to a tarry mass. Then I phone out for pizza or Chinese. * * * How often does a house need to be cleaned, anyway? As a general rule, once every girlfriend. After that she can get to know the real you. * * * To give a woman the impression that your house is clean, use Pledge. Don't use it on anything, just squirt some in the air. This makes it smell as though you've dusted.... Now spill something fresh on the floor because a slippery floor is much more like a clean, waxed floor than a sticky floor is. * * * Every kitchen should be equipped with a dishwasher, preferably a cute one wearing her apron and nothing else. * * * Sheets can be kept clean by getting drunk and falling asleep with your clothes on.