He was the inventor of Past-Tense TV (featuring Got Smart, Father Knew Best, and It Was Left to Beaver); the tireless crusader for such charities as the Center for Research into the Heebie Jeebies, Children of Parents with Bad Teeth, and the State Hospital for Those Who Felt All Right About a Year Ago; founder of the George Carlin Book Club (top titles: How to Act Laid-Back During a Grease Fire, Fill Your Life with Croutons, and The Meaning of Corn); and the only social commentator with the guts to point out that "the day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life."
Yes, George Carlin is here with more of what he did better than any other comic: uproarious observations, laser-targeted crankiness, linguistic legerdemain, and inspired weirdness. ("If the shoe fits, get another just like it." "When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.") Napalm & Silly Putty is just what his fans have been waiting for - another generous helping of notions, nonsense, assertions, assumptions, mockery, merriment, silliness, sarcasm, and, to be sure, plenty of disturbing references and toxic alienation. George wouldn't have it any other way.
THE NOONTIME NEWS
In Rome today, Pope John Paul removed his little hat and revealed he has
a small map of Tombstone, Arizona, tattooed on his head.
Out at the lake in City Park, police have arrested a one-armed man who
was bothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle.
Authorities say a severely disturbed geography teacher has shot and
killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. He is still
at large and they remind everyone the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh.
A man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool.
A Detroit couple is suing Campbell's soups, claiming a bowl of alphabet
soup spelled out an obscene message to their children. They state that
at first the little letters floated around in a circle, and then they
formed the words suck my noodle.
Millionaire clothing executive Dacron Polyester died in his sleep
yesterday. It was not a peaceful death, however, as he dozed off while
A large dog exploded on a downtown street corner this morning. No one
was killed; however, several people were overcome by fur. Police
estimate that more than 600 fleas also lost their lives in the blast.
A woman in Montana was severely injured yesterday when she attempted to
force-breast-feed a wolverine.
A man wearing a Have a Nice Day button was killed yesterday by a man who
works at night.
The Centers for Disease Control has determined that the common cold is
caused by a tall man who carries around a bag of germs.
Twenty-six people were killed this morning when two funeral processions
collided. Police say the list of fatalities does not include the two
people who were already dead.
The Mafia has killed an information clerk because he knew too much. His
replacement, appointed today, says he has no further information.
In San Francisco, a baby has been born wearing sunglasses and holding a
small can of peas.
A Milwaukee man has been arrested for the illegal use of food stamps. He
was taken into custody while attempting to mail a bowl of chili to his
The Bureau of Indian Affairs has announced they have located another
Mohican. Accordingly, all the books are being recalled and will be
changed to read: The Next to the Last of the Mohicans.
And finally, here's a Halloween prank that backfired. It seems that
little thirteen-year-old Danny Obolagotz thought it would be great fun
to soap the windows of all the cars on his street. He had soaped seven
of them and was starting to soap the eighth, not knowing that the owner
of the car, Earl Fletcher, was seated inside. Fletcher shot Danny in the
head four times.
Excerpted from "Napalm & Silly Putty" by George Carlin. Copyright © 2002 by George Carlin. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Excerpts are provided solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.