BOOK DETAILS

A Penis Manologue: One Man's Response to The Vagina Monologues

A Penis Manologue: One Man's Response to The Vagina Monologues

by Joe DiBuduo

ISBN: 9781449544584

Publisher CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform

Published in Health, Fitness & Dieting, Nonfiction

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Book Description

Content in this humorous book was banned from a college classroom that studied "The Vagina Monologues." After reading Eve Ensler's book and attending a local production of her play, author Joe DiBuduo wanted to respond with his distinctly creative, male point of view.

Sample Chapter

Penis Replicas

I think it’s time to lose our zipper phobia and talk about what’s behind the zipper. Is the male organ beautiful, or even pretty? In fourteenth-century Europe, high-ranking noblemen were permitted to display their genitals below a short tunic. Those not impressively endowed wore a fake penis if they chose. These people probably thought their penises beautiful if they displayed them just because they could. I imagine the less well-endowed men made sure their fake penises were beautiful.

 

Dildos

Our Babymakers must be fashionable if not downright beautiful, because replicas of them are sold worldwide. Many women seem to have a desire to play with a penis of their own. They go to parties, stores, or online to find a penis the size and color they desire. It appears that women have been trying to replace penises with dildos since the beginning of civilization. Dildos in one form or another are found in various cultures throughout history.

The first dildos were made of stone, tar, wood, and other materials easily shaped as penises and firm enough to be used as penetrative sex toys. Modern dildos are made of many different materials and come in all shapes and sizes.

Artifacts found from the high culture era of 10,000 to 40,000 years ago are called “batons” by archaeologists. Some scientists believe the size and shape of these ice age implements leaves little doubt that they were “sex toys.” The world’s oldest known dildo is a twenty-centimeter siltstone phallus, found in Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm, Germany, and is estimated to be 30,000 years old. This dildo was on display at a Blaubeuren museum exhibition.

Dildos were called “olisbos” by the ancient Greeks, who fashioned them out of wood, leather, and stone. Italians in the fifteenth century happily named the toy “diletto,” which means delight in Italian. The term “dildo” evolved from diletto. Victorian-era doctors created a mechanical portable vibrator to massage female genitals in attempts to cure “hysteria.” Were they trying to replace the penis with this invention? Later, the device was advertised in a Sears catalog in 1918.

Even now, there’s a harvest and prosperity festival celebrating fertility—Hōnen Matsuri—led by Shinto priests every March 15 in Komaki, Japan. Costumed participants parade a 620-pound wooden penis around Komaki. Throngs of women carry massive dildos in their arms and the food and souvenirs are usually phallus shaped.

The only reason I mention dildos is to point out that no matter how many are created in varying sizes, textures, and colors, the old tried and true flesh and blood, natural-born penis is irreplaceable. But guys, the good news is, we can create replicas of our very own. There are mold making kits out there to replicate your Curious George. There’s Clone-a-Willy, Create-A-Mate, and Clone Your Bone. All we have to do is mix the substances in the kits, put them in a super-sized soft drink cup, insert an erect Dingaroo, and wait five minutes. That gives us the negative mold, which we then fill with wax or other soft or hard substances to create a clone of our very own. Once the mold is finished, we can produce as many clones as we want. Think of all the money we’ll save at holidays by giving our girlfriend or wives the part of us they like best.


 

 

 

 

Chapter 2

Blue Balls

People like to joke about us men being led by our Little Soldiers, but what I’m telling you is true. Penises have ways to control their owners that we never speak about. Like getting so hard and so stiff that the owner can hardly walk, sit, or even sleep without it getting in the way.

Those of you who have never experienced vascular congestion won’t understand how if you ignore your Anaconda long enough it’ll conspire with the testes to make you so miserable that you have to go hunting for a partner to relieve vascular congestion and prevent the onset of the dreaded blue balls (BB).

BB is the slang term for a congested prostate or vasocongestion, the condition of temporary fluid build-up in the testicles and prostate region that is caused by prolonged sexual arousal. A pain in the testes usually accompanies the condition. The way to relieve the symptoms of blue balls is through ejaculation.1 While well known to men, there’s scant information in medical literature about BB.

I’ll bet most men don’t know that women can also experience discomfort due to unrelieved vasocongestion as their pelvic area becomes engorged with blood during sexual arousal. They can experience pelvic heaviness (aka blue walls or blue labia) and aching if they do not reach orgasm. The term pelvic congestion refers to pain as it occurs in either sex.

I think there should be a blueballs.com where people suffering BB can go to the site and meet a partner so they could relieve one another, either by practicing online sex or hooking up at an agreed-upon location. If there was such a site, you’d never see me dancing again. Pokey, that little devil, would lose a lot of control if I could easily meet a safe sex partner on the Internet.

As a young boy in school, I hated it when the teacher would call my name and I had to stand beside my desk. Every time, it seemed my Under Thunder stuck out from my crotch as though a tent had been erected in my pants. Pushing Under Thunder between my legs worked for a minute or two, but when I was young, it was so strong that it would soon break free and the tent would form as its all-seeing eye tried to bore through my pant leg. I’m guessing that’s why most young men wear jeans today. The heavy material doesn’t allow tent making by “you know who.”

In those days, there were no surveys and no one admitted they were of average size. All the guys said they were amply endowed with bigger Pleasure Pistons than mine. In 1950, I wasn’t a man yet and figured once I could ejaculate, I’d be magically transformed. I did the five-knuckle shuffle with my Weenie every day until I finally ejaculated. I was around eleven and I can still remember that first time. I was lying in bed tenderizing the meat, and when the One-eyed Gecko burped, the load shot over my left shoulder and hit the headboard.

That young sperm sure was powerful to travel that far. The older I got, the less distance it travelled. I can remember five or six of us doing what we called a circle jerk. We’d all pull out our Jerk Sticks, spank the monkey, and see who could shoot the farthest. The winner got bragging rights until the next contest. A famous American sex educator, author, and artist, Betty Dodson, PhD, thought this behavior perfectly normal. She conducted workshops for more than thirty years in which groups of about ten or more women (and at least once, a group of men) would talk, explore their own bodies, and masturbate together.

 

Morning Erections

Called Morning Wood in the U.S. and Morning Glory in the U.K., nocturnal penile tumescence is the term used in the urology world. It’s all a matter of wet dreams and fantasies during the night—the penis becomes erect in anticipation of a sexual act due to some dream or fantasy. This increased desire to have sex or to masturbate is a good thing for most guys, because frequent erections are good for the health of a Porridge Pump. On average, men experience three to five erections during a normal night’s sleep. Erections are the body’s natural way of keeping the penis healthy by infusing it with fresh, nutrient-rich blood.

One disadvantage is when you’re awakened in the morning by a female relative or if you’re in a hurry to leave your home and catch a bus and the erection just won’t go away. Morning erections are not at all abnormal and probably are a result of your Gulliver Hard’s fantasies. But when you get on that bus, be careful of whom you bump into or you’ll be accused of frotteurism—rubbing one’s genitals against strangers.


 

 

 

 

Excerpted from "A Penis Manologue: One Man's Response to The Vagina Monologues" by Joe DiBuduo. Copyright © 0 by Joe DiBuduo. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Excerpts are provided solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
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