Part 1- My Story
Chapter 2- Wedding Night
“Hey, Hun! I just wanted to call and tell you I decided to get you and Chris a room at the London Bridge Resort for tonight! Everything is all paid for.”
This message from my soon-to-be mother-in-law struck fear into my heart. In just a few hours, I would become a wife and would attain everything that new role would consist of. My bridesmaids had toiled away the night before to transform our old Sunday school room into a beautiful dressing room for my wedding day. However, as soon as I heard my future mother-in-law’s message, I was paralyzed by fear and panic. All my surroundings became a blur as my heart and mind began to race. Fear-coated thoughts screamed inside me as I searched frantically for my maid of honor and my mom.
“I don’t have any of my things! I don’t think I can do this! What if I can’t please my husband? What if it’s as painful as I’ve heard?”
I had been preparing for our wedding night for a while, especially since the moment I realized that I viewed sex with shame and terror. But now, Chris’ mom had bought us a hotel room for our first night together as man and wife, and it all became a reality.
Seeing my distress, my mom and Rita, my maid of honor, did their best to simply keep me focused on the day, on stating my vows, on Christ, and on finally becoming the wife of the man for whom I had been praying many years. It worked . . . until after the reception when the man of my dreams, my new husband, took my hand and whispered, “Don’t worry, Rita is meeting us at the hotel with our stuff.”
Was this really happening? After collecting our belongings from Rita, my husband carried me across the threshold of our hotel suite. It seemed secluded from all the world, so very peaceful. It was the perfect antithesis of my racing heart which could not seem to calm down.
Chris, knowing my fear, decided I should take a shower on my own after he took one. He would wear his boxers, dim the lights, and wait on the couch while watching some TV to keep his focus off me. In any other situation, a bride would probably be offended by this, but I was more than grateful for my husband’s plan.
I took my time showering, praying, and preparing myself for what was about to happen. Luckily, Rita had packed me a couple different options of sleepwear. I chose the least revealing, white baby-doll piece of lingerie with my robe that had “Bride” written in a baby blue font.
It seemed to take an eternity for me to open the doorknob of the bathroom door, tiptoe to the bed, then pull the covers over myself. After a few moments, I called for Chris, “Okay, you can come here now.” He gently approached the bed, pulled back the soft white sheets, which slightly exposed my choice of clothing, and crawled under the covers. “We will take our time,” he whispered, “I want you to be comfortable. It’s okay if we don’t do it tonight.”
We spent time watching the movie on the television screen and simply cuddling. The anticipation of what was going to happen next was so great, it was almost tangible. We spent some time kissing and allowing ourselves to discover parts of each other that were strictly off-limits while we were dating and engaged. My fear level rose as we started getting more and more intimate.
I had been praying with a couple close friends for the freedom to be able to give myself intimately and fully to Chris that night. I had waited, withholding the “precious gift” from all others so I could present it to my husband. Despite my growing fear and shame, I wanted to try.
I told Chris this, and in the most selfless way possible, he tried to lead me to that answered prayer. He worked patiently to show me pleasure before the inevitable pain of giving him my virginity.
Once we had progressed toward intercourse, the pain, shame, and guilt were overwhelming enough to not allow us to fully consummate our marriage. We redressed, prayed together, and then went to sleep.
The shame and guilt about which I write, and will continue to delve deeper into, are based on my taking hold of false teachings, half-truths, and a lack of healthy speaking about sex within marriage. None are intentional, I sincerely believe, but they are dangerous nonetheless.
The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. (1 Tim. 1:5)
Excerpted from "Sex in Marriage: From a" by Denelle Scanlan. Copyright © 0 by Denelle Scanlan. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Excerpts are provided solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.