My Weird School #18: Mrs. Yonkers Is Bonkers!

My Weird School #18: Mrs. Yonkers Is Bonkers!

by Dan Gutman

ISBN: 9780061234750

Publisher HarperCollins

Published in Children's Books/Humor, Children's Books/Computers

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Sample Chapter

Chapter One

A Computer in My Head

My name is A.J. and I hate school.

Do you know what would be cool? Instead of learning stuff in school, we should have computers built into our heads. There could be software for math, social studies, reading, and all that other stuff teachers say we need to know. You could just plug whatever software you need right into your head. Then we wouldn't have to go to school anymore!*

Think about it. If we had computers in our heads, we could spend more time doing stuff we want to do, like playing sports and video games and going to the movies and eating junk food. That would be cool. I would buy one of those computers in a minute. But I guess until somebody invents a computer you plug into your head, we'll just have to keep going to school. Bummer in the summer!

We had just finished circle time in Miss Daisy's class when Mr. Klutz came into the room. He's the principal of Ella Mentry School, and he has no hair at all. I mean none. Hats must slide off his head because there's nothing to hold them on.

"To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit, Mr. Klutz?" asked Miss Daisy. (That's grown-up talk for "What are you doing here?")

"I wanted to try out a new joke," Mr. Klutz said.

Oh no! Mr. Klutz tells the worst jokes in the history of the world.**

"Where's the best place to keep a remote control?" he asked.

"Where?" we all shouted.

"In a remote location!" he said. "Get it? Remote? Location?"

Mr. Klutz bent over laughing and slapped his knee even though his joke was totally lame. We all laughed anyway. You should always laugh at the principal's jokes, no matter how lame they are. That's the first rule of being a kid.

"But seriously," Mr. Klutz said, putting on his serious face so we knew it was time to get serious, "I need to talk to you about something. Dr. Carbles, the president of the Board of Education, wants us to bring Ella Mentry School into the 21st century."

"Cool!" I shouted. "We're gonna travel through time!"***

"This is the 21st century, Arlo," said Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair. She calls me by my real name because she knows I hate it.

"I knew that," I said, even though I really didn't. Only a smarty-pants-know-it-all like Andrea would know what number century it is. What is her problem? Who counts centuries?

"How are we going to bring our school into the 21st century, Mr. Klutz?" asked Andrea's crybaby friend Emily, who is allergic to ferrets.

"We're going to spiff up the place," he replied. "We're getting some new equipment, a security guard, a computer lab, and a computer teacher, too. In fact, she's right outside. Would you like to meet Mrs. Yonkers?"

"Yeah!" said all the girls.

"No!" said all the boys.

Mr. Klutz went into the hallway and came back with some lady. You'll never believe in a million hundred years what she had on her head.

I'm not gonna tell you.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.

Excerpted from "My Weird School #18: Mrs. Yonkers Is Bonkers!" by Dan Gutman. Copyright © 2007 by Dan Gutman. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Excerpts are provided solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
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Author Profile

Dan Gutman

Dan Gutman

Dan Gutman was born in a log cabin in Illinois, and used to write by candlelight with a piece of chalk on a shovel. Wait a minute. That was Abraham Lincoln.Actually, Dan grew up in New Jersey. And, for some reason, he still lives there.
Like a lot of boys, Dan didn't like reading, but loved sports. So naturally, he grew up to write sports books for reluctant readers.
In 1994, Dan cooked up a novel about a boy who finds the most valuable baseball card in the world, and discovers he has the power to travel through time using a baseball card like a time machine. The result was Honus & Me. Rejected by ten publishers over two years, it was finally published in 1997 by HarperCollins.
Honus was nominated for eleven state book awards, made into a play, a TV movie, and established Dan Gutman as an emerging name in middle grade fiction. Most importantly, it allowed Dan to avoid getting a real job.
The success of Honus jumpstarted a ten book series--Jackie & Me, Babe & Me, Shoeless Joe & Me, Mickey & Me, Abner & Me, Satch & Me, Jim & Me, Ray & Me, and Roberto & Me. Dan’s goal is to keep writing baseball card adventures until HarperCollins rips the laptop out of his cold, dead hands.
In his insatiable quest for world domination, Dan turned toward younger kids with the My Weird School series. Aimed at beginning readers, MWS describes a school in which the kids are normal but the teachers are all insane. Each book focuses on a different adult--Miss Daisy Is Crazy!, Mr. Klutz Is Nuts!, Mrs. Cooney Is Loony!, Miss Lazar Is Bizarre!, Ms. Todd Is Odd!, Mr. Macky is Wacky!, Ms. Coco Is Loco!, Mr. Louie is Screwy!,and Mr. Hynde is Out of His Mind! (The titles rhyme, you see.)
There are now 30 My Weird School and My Weird School Daze titles. The books have sold three million copies, (and those are just the ones Dan bought himself trying to get on the bestseller list). My Weird School has been cracking up kids all over the country, and there's no doubt that it is the best early reader series in the history of the world.
When he’s not writing books, Dan writes self-glorifying profiles. He lives with his wife, Nina, and their kids, Sam and Emma.

View full Profile of Dan Gutman

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